The change in seasons, times. Everything going on in the world, existential dread, needing to keep going with everything in the meantime, needing to keep daily habits.
Taking meds, making and eating meals. Looking out for others. Looking out for myself. Trying not to take on what’s not mine to stress about. At least not too much.
Hit a few walls lately. Trying to reset by going back to having meal kits delivered, by making sure my meds are sorted. Making sure I go to next week’s GP appointment for the next repeats.
Keeping on top of the car. Shuddering at petrol prices but keeping calm and carrying on. Being grateful for small wins, like when the carpark guy puts my parking through as free instead of $6.80, or when my favourite little treats are on special.
Sleeping. Taking the dog out. Those sorts of things.
Spending a lot of time in my little Corolla at the moment. Mum had a second brain bleed on the weekend and so while a lot has settled back to a routine since then, we’re all a bit more on edge and really wanting things to keep steady and on the path to rehab for her. I’m taking today away from the hospital, stocked up on snacks and hope to be rested to head back in tomorrow (I will regardless, I just want the rest first – Maxi was nagging me to take my meds last night right on 9pm too and get to bed, so he knows it too).
Still super appreciating having Everyplate meals ready to cook when I get home – even if they did stuff me around with saying they replaced the parley for a meal with coriander but they’d really replaced the coriander for another meal with the parsley. Neither was a really suitable substitute and I got credits on my account but I don’t really have the brain power for that, so I made up my own substitution for the coriander using some chives I got a week ago in a free fruit and veg bag, and now I realise I DO have parsley, I’m glad I didn’t buy any and will make that meal tonight.
So yeah, trying to look after myself, keep mentally and physically well too so I can keep helping. Trying not to feel guilty about letting other things slide, or being away from the house more, or not being as available.
Mum’s waiting on a rehab bed, bed block is everywhere. The Rehab doctor from that hospital seemed to be estimating about an 8 week stay there once that happens and then hopefully home. In that time we’ll see what supports she needs to go home and hope that’s organisable and not too much of a fight… And what role I’ll play in that.
Even though the days are long at the hospital I feel better for being able to be there most days because I hate to say it there are days on the wards when patients don’t get all the care they need because they’re short staffed or just have the right amount for no emergencies or other contingencies and me being there means I can help with practical things like meals and helping mum with talking to all the allied health and doctors coming around. She was seen by a gaggle (legit term for them I swear) of final year speech students yesterday for her swallowing and higher language skills and I was trying not to remember how useless I felt on my hospital placements.
Fortunately my plans for this year were to focus on family and home, because mum had a stroke Wednesday morning last week and fortunately I don’t have to renege on any commitments because I haven’t made any.
My weekly food posts were already out the window – the Friday before that I had a big day when pest controller who was visiting the work site next door slipped and injured himself on a star picket and there was no one else there to help him so I stopped the bleeding and applied pressure for ages until the ambulance finally came.
His boss brought flowers the next day and he and his wife dropped in chocolates and card last week. Which I unfortunately missed cos I was in seeing Mum.
The voucher came in handy for petrol yesterday, and the chocolate have been a comfort. As has Bruce getting takeaway when I couldn’t face even making my EveryPlate meals. They have been perfect this week though, knowing I can come home and whip something up in 30 minutes after a day in human form.
Mum’s doing okay – her right arm and leg are paralyzed but she’s getting a little movement and feeling back. Speech and swallowing okay, and while she’s got some difficulty finding specific words she’s good at working around it. She’ll probably have a stint in the private rehab hospital closer to home once the acute staff are happy to send her there. Dad’s beside himself with worry and very lost.
So, while I’ve been catching up where I can with the online and political goings on, I’m relieved I haven’t committed to anything this year and had already stepped back. Oh, I was thrown a UTI in there for good fun which hasn’t helped with my physical ability to take this on – it’s not that I have to really DO anything extra at this stage – but mentally it’s like feeling like I have to be across things, and knowing that Mum’s my sister’s main support but can’t be there just as the kids go back to school (come on NDIS don’t scrooge them out of some extra support), I’m just hovering hoping there’s not too many pieces to pick up. Knowing I can, but knowing I have to pace myself.
So I have a dentist appointment today, three back fillings, got the front ones and a clean last week, free through public dental after a year on the waitlist. That should sort that for another 5 to ten years right?
If you wanna help me out with petrol or parking costs, coffee at the hospital, or cover a week of dinners or send brekkies, my paylinks and wishlists are here. Love yas!
Google photos decided to show me pics from my Canberra and Brisbane trips from the first half of the year, so guess it’s time for an annual recap of sorts! 2025 was huge for me, brilliant in many ways, lots of good things, but lots of realities of working as me with other people so I also put myself through a lot of hell for those results.
I finally got to meet Avery in person, catching the train with them to Canberra for the 5 years since the covid supplement presser. Thank you to Kristin and the Antipoverty Centre for herding us cats for that one! “We call that social murder” was one of my favourites, as well as me being brave and doing ABC Newcastle on the morning of the press conference at parliament house.
I went through several burn out phases this year, and am currently in I’ve quit everything and am trying to resent mode. I loved working with and for AUWU and Antipoverty Centre this year and met some amazing people and learned some amazing things and talked about my pet projects a lot.
May saw some exam supervision for the selective schools and opportunity class tests – high pressure for such little kids! (Year 6 and year four kids). Fortunately ours went well (no riot police like in Sydney) with them being all done online on laptops in the venue these days. And I got to catch the new trains which finally started running after so many delays. Gonna miss the old V-sets.
Conference was frikkin intense and I presented on the hidden harms of foodbanks (slides) and ran around like a nutter and yeah, it was a lot and was a lot of positive things, but I’m not putting that much of myself into something like that again. *dies*
It took a bit the recover from the Conference, and then I had a birthday and ate takoyaki. Then a week later I broke both my wisdom teeth and needed one out which was a painful and bloody saga which also took the best pat of a month of the year.
I got heavily into Hello Kitty Island Adventure in that time, which was a good relief from some of the other stuff I was then working though while trying to do my annual Liptember fundraising. Which I made it through but wasn’t able to push nearly as hard as my good years.
Did HSC supervision again. And while doing it and also helping my sister with NDIS and other things were great for feeling like a useful adult with skills, I fell into not being able to maintain it unfortunately.
So we’ve gone into the festive season in home focus mode – back on all my meds including Antabuse, focused on my daily tasks around the home and to look after me. Routine and basics. With festive flair.
I’m running the #PoveratiXmas threads over on Twitter and Bluesky again this year, with the impending age-restriction on the internet looming over the heads with my friends who don’t have ID for whatever reason (cost, being housebound) worried we’re gonna lose them to the whims of the government. Remember that law they only gave 24 hours to respond to? They one-upped themselves in the dying weeks of this year’s parliament with Section 5 being pushed through after being not whispered about in the consultations. This is despite over 40 organisations calling for it to be scrapped and Lidia Thorpe, and others in the cross bench voting against it and fighting to have it removed from the main bill. Now THAT was a flurry of activity that I’m proud of my friends in the anti-poverty sphere for their pushing after dear Tom raised the alarm on Michael Klapdoor’s keen spot.
Despite the seriousness of these crimes, I am utterly unconvinced that this is how the problem should be addressed, or that the welfare system should ever be used in this way.
Punishing criminal offenders is the job of the courts. An arrest warrant is certainly not a conviction. pic.twitter.com/6FXfcYSCCr
Thank you all for another amazing year, through all its highs and lows. I’ll hopefully continue to see you all in some form of this weird internet space as society continues to turn in on itself.
If you’ve appreciated my content in whatever form it took, consider helping me out through supporting me financially (one-off or can sign up to make a monthly dono, kinda like a patreon but not) or sending my a treat off one of my wishlists – Amazon, Youpay, Thone or Steam.
It’s okay, my capacity isn’t yet screaming at me to stop – I’ve been managing myself alright given the other things I’ve taken on. But the little twitch in my left eye this morning was telling me to slow down a little.
Ness often talks about the difference between having capability and having capacity (but damned if I can get my head around funding a good post on her blog or socials, let’s see if I can come back with one) in the context of work expectations, but also in what can be supported for disabled people.
Like, I was asked if I’d be presiding officer for the HSC exams at the school I’ve been supervising at for 2026. Yes, I have the skills needed. I might baulk at some of the people management stuff but I can do it. But I know I simply cannot sustain that level of work – not even counting the lead in time and prep – of 12 hour days for the four weeks, with the responsibility of making sure those 150 kids get their HSC delivered, AND not go insane or crash out or something less dramatic but equally threatening to the delivery of the exams and my long term well-being.
So I declined. Which is the right choice. Given that even the 2-3 days, some half some full, I’ve been doing, with days off in between is more than enough for me. I’m thriving off doing it – I like being able to be responsible and capable and respected for my skills and being able to train and support other staff, but an unofficial 2ic role is more my speed than taking on the whole thing.
It means I can also still function outside of that – once I recover from the day of being “on” and do the other things I want and need to do to look after and be with myself and others I care for. Which some have needed more of lately. Which is all good, and I feel useful and closer to them for it. But again, balance and capacity need to be respected. And I need to be in charge of that for me because I know me best and can regulate me best.
