Superhuman

Laying in the back of your carI’ve been thinking ’bout the ways that I took it too farIn pursuit of perfection, I lost my directionAnd now I gotta reckon with the shame of tomorrowSee I always wanted more from the world, more from myselfPiling on the good times, high from the top shelf, yeah yeah
I heard that everybody’s got a limit, manI think I hit, cuz I’mCuz I’m onlyGuess I’m only
HumanDon’t know what we’re doin’Fight because we’re stupidLife we just abuse itCrying in confusionI know I just ruinEverything I worked for now I’m sitting all aloneGuess that makes me superhumanGuess that makes me superhumanGuess that makes me superGuess that makes me super
Sitting at the top of LALooking out at all the billboards and highwaysGuess I answered the question, I’m not the exceptionAnd now I gotta reckon with nobody to blameSee I thought that I could fly to the sun, never get burnedPride is a, pride is a motherfucker
I know that everybody’s got a limitAnd one day, you’re gonna hit it, cuz you’reCuz you’re onlyYea we’re only
HumanDon’t know what we’re doin’Fight because we’re stupidLife we just abuse itCrying in confusionI know I just ruinEverything I worked for now I’m sitting all aloneGuess that makes me superhuman
a storiis screenshot of a bottle of pills for Katherine Falrety
Always have to come down from an event from a gig. At least I didn’t get strep throat like K.Flay, at least my (out of date) RATs I’ve been doing since the show in Sydney have been negative. At least all my aches and pains and stuff don’t deem to be the Covid I’d resigned myself getting after sweating it out in from of the stage. I seem to have dodged that bullet, still a chance I’ve got it of course. Or something else, but I’m back to being concerned about the bloods and ECG I had last Tuesday and the results aren’t on my health record, but at least the Medicare bulk billing’s been done for them as of yesterday.
I must be highly suggestible, or I don’t notice things that might be wrong until they’re suggested to me? I’m been listening to my heart more, paranoid it’s out of sorts because it was suggested it might be. And maybe the irregular number of beats I was hearing when I was deaf from ear wax for three weeks is something to be concerned about. But then maybe it’s nothing, maybe any of my dizziness or shaking can come down to blood sugar and general blood pressure issues and I’ll just go in for my next lot of scripts and the new GP will say it’s all fine and dandy. I’m still hoping to bring down my antidepressant levels if I can, but I still feel like routine will help me more than that. But it’s hard to get routine when things keep breaking – one car’s going in for transmission work tomorrow, Bruce needs one for work, there’s been little things breaking on the Corolla too, the door handle, the speedo, the windscreen repairs not actually repairing but making the crack worse. Just feels like we’re chasing tails. And spending a lot of time and money buying part on eBay.
Not that keeping the AU would have been much better. I hope it’s working okay for the guy that bought it, and he enjoys it before the rust becomes too fatal. We keep hearing people doing skids nearby, but it’s never been him.
Nine days til the promised NBN install. Another reason not to get covid is I really don’t want to have to cancel that time, because it’d prolly be ANOTHER six weeks after that to get a tech booked in :/ Making my little plans. I really wanna do some streaming, both because I miss my little online games (GTA, Red Dead) and I do feel like that’s something I could get into properly if I even got sorted with a few things. So add me on Twitch so you can find out when I do go live and try o help me figure all that out again. I’ve been playing with my overlays and alerts ready to go too.
So I’m doing a lot of not much, not enough of what I want to be doing, but not sure what all that it. But I’ve probably going enough lines up for once I DO get proper internet, and if I start putting up for more it’s gonna be too much.
So day by day. It’s raining again.

Three Years Sober

Three years ago I have a week or so gap in my photo backups from when I was on ward after a 6 or so week relapse and trying to take myself out with meds. So yeah, haven’t had a drink since about this time 3 years ago. Been back on antabuse all that time, and not drinking and yeah, go me and all that.

It’s been a weird week, went to Sydney for Kflay on wednesday. Been waiting and anticipating for so long it was perfect and sweaty and I was up front, smooshed behind the people at the front. I wonder if I’ll regret smooshing and not wearing a mask but it was a great gig and like every gig I go to I crash hard afterward from the physical and mental exertion, the late night , the travel and the adrenalin. Let’s see if I brought home covid and I get to suffer through that. I’ll do my out of date tests every couple of days and see (I mean if I get it I’ll likely know without that) I wish you could still get drive through covid tests free. Or at least RATs in date.

Caught up with a friend, an ex, which was awkward and yeah, I don’t know, it’s hard to catch up with people.

Did the Antipoverty centre meeting, officially co-secretary and am pumped for the year ahead.

Waiting on blood test results from the tests my new GP ordered. I don’t really have reason to worry but I always worry. And want to get off to a good start with the new doc lol. There’s thing I wanna be able to bring up with her. Again nothing urgent but things I should.

Oh and I weighed less than I estimated at the pathologists. Cool. Now just to move more, I just want a routinnnnnnnnnnne

Anyway, send me presents and call me pretty:

Buymeacoffee.com/phonakins

Youpay.me/phonakins

http://throne.me/phonakins

paypal.me/phonakins

amazon.com.au/hz/wishlist/ls

store.steampowered.com/wishlist/profi

http://allmylinks.com/phonakins

 

 

Speak because your voice shakes

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even gonna “fix” my anxiety. I’m EXTRELEY anxious, and get anxious every day, but if I’m at the point of pushing through it and not letting it stop me doing the things I want to and plan to do, then is it really a problem that I jitter my way through life?

Caught the train into group this morning. Unfortunately it was late – apparently a guard fell from a train in Sydney and had the whole network in chaos. So, it came 40 minutes late, I caught the last five minutes of group where they were talking about what little sayings they use to get them through.

“Those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind” is definitely one I like and certainly my anxiety and anxious presentation is one of those things. So, I missed group, but got my meds and still had a good chat with one of the other group members.

So, speaking because my voice shakes is something I’m going to have to do this year, as I’m deliberately putting myself out there, out of my comfort zone personally, to push for the greater good (welfare above the poverty line for one). Like when I went on Q+A, I was terrified but thought it worthwhile. Like the girl I was chatting to today, I don’t really appear to care what people think of me, I mean I do but I don’t, but yeah because of that I can get through being scattered and anxious to get done what I want to do. Well, hopefully.

I once had a therapy goal of doing what I commit to doing. Which both meant putting myself out there and agreeing to do things, leave the house, try stuff, but also to not over commit, know my limits and be able to judge ahead of time whether something is going to be worth it for me and that I won’t pull out at the last minute either because I’ve already over done it or I chicken out for some reason I hadn’t factored in when booking myself in.

It means knowing myself well, and letting myself be me too.

Where we at?

Got a rental inspection this Tuesday so tidying up. Yeah it’s soon, but I’ve generally had one a month after moving into a new place. We’ve already got it to a way better cleanliness standard than what we moved into, and Bruce has done amazing things in the yard. So as long as they don’t care about the burnt patch of lino from my little fire day two here, all it good. Sounds like Bruce’s kids and their mum finally have to move out of their place, so I’m crossing my fingers and toes for them to find a suitable rental.

Nobody Deserves Poverty

Still no internet. Called TPG this morning at the suggestion of NBN to see if there was any sooner install dates, no there isn’t Feb 29 is sooner than any others that are available – March 11 is where you’d be booked in for now. I also asked for a wireless dongle and they’re sending one with 60gig a month for three months on it – it’s more for Bruce than for me, his phone either isn’t liking being tethered all the time or was dying either way.

Trying to do little things that are really big things to work towards my goals this year. Got a busy Valentine’s Day coming up with the Kflay concert I’ve been dying for down at the Oxford Arts Factory! Gotta figure out how to do the Antipoverty Centre AGM before that – prolly just on my phone and get to Sydney early or something. We’ll see. I’m putting myself forward for a board role, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m actually nominating ahead unlike basically gatecrashing the AUWU AGM and elections and being relieved I missed out on the ordinary member role on their committee of management. Those selected are awesome and certainly deserved it.

One of the things I said I want to be able to do is go down to Sydney for things and be safe and sober and trust myself and be trusted by my partner. It’s been nearly three years since I’ve had a drink, and don’t really want to. But not yet to the point of coming off the Antabuse. Maybe this year.

Looks like I’m going to be doing more on the Nobody Deserves Poverty campaign this year too, at least up until the May Budget. Most Australians don’t think anyone does deserve to live in poverty, but seem to still excuse their politicians keeping welfare payments below the poverty line, so hopefully we can get more mainstream discussion on that (ugh, Facebook), get people talking about it and too their reps, get more organisations to sign on and push for welfare rates to be lifted above the poverty line in the May Budget. ALL payments, because yes, Jobseeker and Youth allowance are appallingly low, but carers, parenting and pensions are also still below the poverty line. A rising tide lifts all ships. And we need more voices of Welfare recipients in pollies’ ears when they’re still making comments about $180k not being a lot…

Nobody Deserves Poverty

We sold the AU so we now have money to repair the other Ford. And I can justify going full Hello Kitty on the Corolla. If you wanna help with the HelloKittyfication, there’s some items on my wishlist that would be sweet additions. That also means that some days I’m carless so really miss the NBN more and can’t wait til Feb 29 and decent internet and streaming my favourite games – hunting wabbits in Red Dead online and grinding in GTA. I have a couple of games I’ve downloaded to play offline, but I miss those one s in particular.

Opinion Pieces Wednesday, 19th January 2022 No one left behind in Labor blueprint for better future First published in the Australian on Jan 18 2022

It’s the 8th. Things are supposed to be getting back to normal.

I still don’t have internet. More of the saga happened – I’d had the install booked for the 5th, Friday, for a month now since the original offer of it being installed today caused me to melt down because why should we have to wait a month? So, come Friday morning I’m waiting around as confirmed by several text messages when I’m contacted to say it’s being rescheduled for the 17th.

Yeah not happy. The extra two weeks was one thing, but also having already been waiting that morning, with all the texts from TPG and NBN making sure someone would be there in the previous days. Oh and they’d direct debited $75 for the month that morning too!

So, I don’t think I actually cried this time, but I spent an hour on the phone to them, and then it was booked in for 8-12 Saturday.

Come 11:30 Saturday morning, the NBN the calls me himself to say he’s definitely coming today and he’s text me himself to say when he was on his way and to ignore the text that was just about to come through sayng he was on his way then.

So, 3.45pm he arrives. Pleasant fellow, I made sure he’d had his lunch break before he got to work.

Installed the NBN box inside the house, but no, I still don’t have connection because the fibre to the house has to be laid. Sometime this week or next I’m told. He couldn’t do it because there was asbestos in the pit and he didn’t have the certification.

They’ve credited back the money hey took Friday – only as account credit I really could have used the cash – but yeah no offer of regular broadband FTTC or anything. So I wait some more.

Bruce has given me his second monitor so I can do dual monitor internetting – mostly having a stream in the second window, currently BlizzardGurrl. Go say hey, she’s moving house this month and it’s her birthday!

My UA got registered so we need to put that up for sale. Spent some time decorating the Corolla more, Bruce is spending time trying to sort out HIS car. he stove got replaced on the weekend too so I can now cook up a storm lol, still need new pots.

Slowly slowly trying to get back  into routine. Have Everyplate coming today, so I’ll have that planned out for me again. Bruce son is staying a couple of nights, so I’ll expand tonight’s dish with extra taters, and I’m off to Sydney tomorrow to meet Mel from twitter so the boys can sort out their food tomorrow night, there’s still chicken burger patties from last night.

I have a psychologist appointment Thursday – we had one in Dec then the move was on and so we arranged for after new year. This one is free for me, so that’s the main reason I’m going. Back to Antabuse group Friday, I hope everyone made it through sober and safe, Xmas is always a risky time. I need to work on not overreacting to criticism again.

I’ve been tired and may have a scratchy throat but since that happens to me anyway when I’m anxious about something I’ve been doing RATs which are negative and will mask up and play it as it comes tomorrow, I don’t wanna get my friends sick!