Category: blahblahblah

I just want to write

I want to just write and feel like my words are meaningful. I feel stuck in a little hole, looking out, but I’m not even that profound. I listen to the lyrics of K.Flay, I know I won’t have the articulatory skills to rap like her, but her words call to me, they make sense, I want to make words and sentences and rhymes and phrases like her. Call on my life and experience and knowledge and contribute something. But I see it as selfish and futile, or maybe not maybe I’m just talking shit.

This week in therapy we’re meant to be looking at looking after ourselves, setting up for a good time through diet and exercise and rest, and taking your meds and not mind altering substances. I can see where they’re coming from, but I hate focusing on those things, I get stubborn, I get wilful as they say. Eat right, and then I decide that icecream is my next meal. I’m still scared of focussing on weight loss, on exercise on diet, scared I’ll be successful and get back to that slim frame but be too obsessive about it, be to hyper focussed. I should probably raise that with my psych. Probably.

https://rainbowsandfairies.com.au/product/day-at-the-fair-jumpsuit/

I’m doing another shoot with Rainbows and fairies this week, I’ll try to be more relaxed and more confident lol. I need to get my eyebrows and other face waxing done, and I need to buy a beige bra, like a proper bra with structure and not the crop tops I usually wear and am wearing now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cw5R06zel-E

Watching snippets of Kflay and Gflip’s gigs in the states, wishing I was there. Wishing I was out dancing and sweating and singing and being alive. I tried to not get covid, I really did. It didn’t work. I want to go out and play, but I’m stuck here. Stuck home trying to get myself to do the basics, put out the washing, clean the dishes, shave my legs. Looking forward to the cooler weather of autumn, to starting the interpersonal effectiveness DBT module, hoping I can do some of that therapy in person soon. Before another few months pass of being at home. I want to catch the train into therapy, I want to buy coffee and look at the beach. I want to arrange to see people for one off coffees, I doubt a regular thing, but just a one off, dumplings, coffee, something.

Feb 22

What’s on this week?

individual therapy Monday morning, should raise the PLESAE stuff, the eating, the taking care of health, the hard conversation I had with Bruce where I remember how hard being around a drunk me is. How that puts everything through another lens.

Do the beauty stuff, the waxing, the bra buying.

Tuesday night I’m starting an online things with Ausgrid. a panel that runs for months and they give me $1000 for at the end. Watch me shape the future or soemthing.

Wednesday is the Rainbows and Fairies shoot, Thursday group again, the last with one of the other women who I’m going to miss, the group is going to more than double to 8 patients the week after, which will be hard on teams. It would be better in person for sure.

Friday apparently Centrelink is calling again, even though they did last Friday, and my next appointment was supposed to be months away. Oh well.. Just answer, don’t get cut off. Go to my antabuse group online. Arrange to speak with my care coordinator next week, I need to start planning with her for the future.

it feels like a lot and I realise when I’m allowed the exemption from Centrelink and why they’re considering giving me DSP. That’s in a review stage. So maybe.

I’m tired.

So, I had covid

As I emerge from my Covid haze, let’s jot a few notes on the experience.

How did I get it? Well I definitely caught it from my partner Bruce, I’ve had so little contact with the outside world and he definitely had symptoms before me. Where he got it though exactly we haven’t pinpointed, but contact with the general public up in the boat yard, but again, no one person stood out so who knows.

I knew I was feeling off on Tuesday the 1st, I said so in my therapy session. But then I picked up a little. Bruce tested positive with a faint positive on the RAT he did Thursday morning. Mine was negative, as was the PCR I did that day, I tested positive on the PCR I took Saturday morning. I took to dog for some isolated exercise Friday afternoon and was wiped out by that.

I was down with body aches on the Saturday. Panadol and laying flat in bed wishing to sleep. Had various fever dreams. Headaches were a thing on and off. Slight sore throat but then not hugely so, and a nose running like a tap.

Did our first Woolies online grocery order, things are soooooo expensive! Still had my EveryPlate orders coming. Lost my tastebuds for a few days which made me so sad :p The food I made looked good but it was all textured water to me.

I cancelled my Monday therapy appointment, and didn’t do the Greens meeting Tuesday 8th. I did my group on Thursday just gone but was soooo wiped by the end of it and basically slept for two days once it finished!

I’m trying to get back into a routine. I did therapy this morning and groceries now so I can be back on task. Did some washing, the dishes are still soaking and I bought a premade lasagne for the oven tonight. Thankfully Bruce’s covid payment of $750 came through within a few hours of applying for it after he got the positive RAT so he could take the week off without too much of a financial kick. No allowances for the rest of us though, so thank you for those who bought me shiny purple coffee things on here because it made me more comfortable buying to extras for me in the grocery order like the delish $1 chobanis. When they’re $1 I go nuts hah! Though I’ve just bought a tasty lemon meringue ice cream dessert from Aldi. Yes, food is important to me. Yes, I’m overweight. What of it :p

Also bad timing on the Covid boosters! We were due to get them on the 10th as that was 3 months since the second AZ in November. So glad I was immunised though! We’ll get them later this month / early march and be super immune.

So now to get back on track. I feel like I’ve had another false start to the the year and it’ll really only start this week! So, let’s work with that assumption and start 2022 again on Valentines day!

Oh also, my DSP application is being reviewed and went to the Health Professionals Advisory Unit, so we’ll see how that treats me. Fingers crossed.

Rejected

So my DSP claim was officially rejected last night. Message came through at 6pm on a Sunday to go and check in the app, and yep, REJECTED.

Like I said on Twitter, it’s good that they sent me the message on a weekend outside business hours, because who’d want to easily be able to access emotional support at this time? Good thing I was home with my pupper and partner, and had the ear of Twitter to rant to and blast my Kflay at

So, now I’m waiting for the letter that will tell me their reasoning. I mean it’s likely because my psychologist has hope for me that the next twelve months of therapy will do me so much good that I’ll be a functioning participant in the Centrelink process mid 2022. not my goal.

My goal is to go to Japan. If that means participating in the Centrelink process and gaining employment, then sure, I’ll do what my mental health allows me to do. But maybe I won’t be the model patient you’re hoping me to be mr psych.

(for the DBT crew, that’s pretty wilful sounding of me me, hey? Don’t worry, I’m in it to give my all because I deserve happiness)