Category: mental health

Who CAN we trust with our stories?

After the disheartening response to the Disability Royal Commission finally came out last month, advocates and many others were left in literal tears, wondering what the point of a 4 -year commission that heard the many stories of violence, abuse, exploitation and neglect of disabled Australians was. Again this week, those who gave evidence to the gambling harms enquiry are wondering the same. Why should vulnerable people who have already suffered subject themselves to rehashing their stories for the amusement of government panels who have already seemed to have decided what actions they’ll take no matter how harrowing it gets?

Of course, it’s just everyone else’s turn to learn this after the continued deaths in custody of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders, seemingly not even slowing since the 1987 Royal Commission. The Closing the Gap figures last week were going backwards in essential areas, with the stirred up racism and disappointment of “The Voice” brushed aside by our dear leader, who can’t commit to Makarrata, to Treaty, or even to Truth Telling, which is sorely needed. We need to face the fact that we’re continuing the horrors of the Stolen Generations with child protection policies and locking up Blak kids and that more of the same isn’t getting us anywhere.

And our Governments support for Genocidal Israel is not instilling confidence in their willingness to not continue the Genocide here.

Each day I get emailed surveys to do, to share my story with another Not For Profit, or the Greens (who I’m still deciding whether I’ll renew my membership of, got another reminder text today) or news of another Senate inquiry. I don’t know what to do with these. I fill some responses out myself, when I have the spoons, but I’m reluctant to pass them on anymore. Reluctant to ask that emotional labor of people who are already battling to get through their day-to-day life when I can’t seem to offer them examples of how it will change things for them or the people they care about.

A lot of my people are burning out at the moment, running themselves thin, with family deaths and health issues themselves, wanting to ramp up to see if we can force Labor’s hand ahead of the upcoming election, but also needing to focus on self-care, on mutual aid, on trying to do some positive things too to brighten their lives in the immediate sense.

I’m down a car this week, so out of routine. Bruce’ll fix in on the weekend. But I went across the road for some sun with the dog just now and that was nice, gave me some healing warmth. I’ll catch the train into town tomorrow for group and might make some time to wander along the streets and browse the shops. There’s a few op-shops there I haven’t been to in ages I might pick up something from.

Love yas x

Blue Koala at the rest stop in Port Macquarie

Does my anxiety make you nervous?

I think this must come under unmasking as an Autistic person – making peach with some of my anxiety, especially when it doesn’t actually stop me from doing anything. Like, is my voice shaking? Sorry I mumbled, I’ll repeat myself, did I get my message across clearly this time? Awesome. 

Is my foot tapping and knee-bobbing a stim? Does it help the rest of my to focus, or have I had too much Diet Coke and need to get that out somehow? Or, have I been picking at a dry piece of skin or my scalp? That, I want to replace with something else or help calm it down because it actually can lead to other harms. I found that having 40mg of fluoxetine made those picking habits come back, but back on 60mg they’ve eased again. Not sure if that’s the only thing that I changed to make that happen, but the extra meds don’t seem to have harmful effects so I’ll run with it for now. If I notice myself starting to pick I’ll find something else to do with my hands, maybe smash out something here on on Twitter. Turn that nervous energy into words.

I still need to find a good oral stim, I do like chewing on soft drink bottle lids, and it really does bring me comfort. But they’re not always available and I chew them to death then they have to be thrown out. Gum doesn’t seem to be enough for me, it needs more resistance. Pascal Caramels when cold are great too, but since they’re full of sugar I can’t really rely on them. 

I’ve been using my under desk pedaller more, working off that need to move while I’m at my desk, especially in this cold weather. A walk is still so good, with its fresh air and sunshine, I miss running but it would take a bit to get my body back into that, especially with some residual injuries that keep nagging at me. We went bike riding on the weekend, that was good, I’m just a bit nervous on it, I did fall off before I even started, but after that I warmed into it. I’m sore though from using different muscles. Which means I need to go again soon.

Superhuman

Laying in the back of your carI’ve been thinking ’bout the ways that I took it too farIn pursuit of perfection, I lost my directionAnd now I gotta reckon with the shame of tomorrowSee I always wanted more from the world, more from myselfPiling on the good times, high from the top shelf, yeah yeah
I heard that everybody’s got a limit, manI think I hit, cuz I’mCuz I’m onlyGuess I’m only
HumanDon’t know what we’re doin’Fight because we’re stupidLife we just abuse itCrying in confusionI know I just ruinEverything I worked for now I’m sitting all aloneGuess that makes me superhumanGuess that makes me superhumanGuess that makes me superGuess that makes me super
Sitting at the top of LALooking out at all the billboards and highwaysGuess I answered the question, I’m not the exceptionAnd now I gotta reckon with nobody to blameSee I thought that I could fly to the sun, never get burnedPride is a, pride is a motherfucker
I know that everybody’s got a limitAnd one day, you’re gonna hit it, cuz you’reCuz you’re onlyYea we’re only
HumanDon’t know what we’re doin’Fight because we’re stupidLife we just abuse itCrying in confusionI know I just ruinEverything I worked for now I’m sitting all aloneGuess that makes me superhuman
a storiis screenshot of a bottle of pills for Katherine Falrety
Always have to come down from an event from a gig. At least I didn’t get strep throat like K.Flay, at least my (out of date) RATs I’ve been doing since the show in Sydney have been negative. At least all my aches and pains and stuff don’t deem to be the Covid I’d resigned myself getting after sweating it out in from of the stage. I seem to have dodged that bullet, still a chance I’ve got it of course. Or something else, but I’m back to being concerned about the bloods and ECG I had last Tuesday and the results aren’t on my health record, but at least the Medicare bulk billing’s been done for them as of yesterday.
I must be highly suggestible, or I don’t notice things that might be wrong until they’re suggested to me? I’m been listening to my heart more, paranoid it’s out of sorts because it was suggested it might be. And maybe the irregular number of beats I was hearing when I was deaf from ear wax for three weeks is something to be concerned about. But then maybe it’s nothing, maybe any of my dizziness or shaking can come down to blood sugar and general blood pressure issues and I’ll just go in for my next lot of scripts and the new GP will say it’s all fine and dandy. I’m still hoping to bring down my antidepressant levels if I can, but I still feel like routine will help me more than that. But it’s hard to get routine when things keep breaking – one car’s going in for transmission work tomorrow, Bruce needs one for work, there’s been little things breaking on the Corolla too, the door handle, the speedo, the windscreen repairs not actually repairing but making the crack worse. Just feels like we’re chasing tails. And spending a lot of time and money buying part on eBay.
Not that keeping the AU would have been much better. I hope it’s working okay for the guy that bought it, and he enjoys it before the rust becomes too fatal. We keep hearing people doing skids nearby, but it’s never been him.
Nine days til the promised NBN install. Another reason not to get covid is I really don’t want to have to cancel that time, because it’d prolly be ANOTHER six weeks after that to get a tech booked in :/ Making my little plans. I really wanna do some streaming, both because I miss my little online games (GTA, Red Dead) and I do feel like that’s something I could get into properly if I even got sorted with a few things. So add me on Twitch so you can find out when I do go live and try o help me figure all that out again. I’ve been playing with my overlays and alerts ready to go too.
So I’m doing a lot of not much, not enough of what I want to be doing, but not sure what all that it. But I’ve probably going enough lines up for once I DO get proper internet, and if I start putting up for more it’s gonna be too much.
So day by day. It’s raining again.

Three Years Sober

Three years ago I have a week or so gap in my photo backups from when I was on ward after a 6 or so week relapse and trying to take myself out with meds. So yeah, haven’t had a drink since about this time 3 years ago. Been back on antabuse all that time, and not drinking and yeah, go me and all that.

It’s been a weird week, went to Sydney for Kflay on wednesday. Been waiting and anticipating for so long it was perfect and sweaty and I was up front, smooshed behind the people at the front. I wonder if I’ll regret smooshing and not wearing a mask but it was a great gig and like every gig I go to I crash hard afterward from the physical and mental exertion, the late night , the travel and the adrenalin. Let’s see if I brought home covid and I get to suffer through that. I’ll do my out of date tests every couple of days and see (I mean if I get it I’ll likely know without that) I wish you could still get drive through covid tests free. Or at least RATs in date.

Caught up with a friend, an ex, which was awkward and yeah, I don’t know, it’s hard to catch up with people.

Did the Antipoverty centre meeting, officially co-secretary and am pumped for the year ahead.

Waiting on blood test results from the tests my new GP ordered. I don’t really have reason to worry but I always worry. And want to get off to a good start with the new doc lol. There’s thing I wanna be able to bring up with her. Again nothing urgent but things I should.

Oh and I weighed less than I estimated at the pathologists. Cool. Now just to move more, I just want a routinnnnnnnnnnne

Anyway, send me presents and call me pretty:

Buymeacoffee.com/phonakins

Youpay.me/phonakins

http://throne.me/phonakins

paypal.me/phonakins

amazon.com.au/hz/wishlist/ls

store.steampowered.com/wishlist/profi

http://allmylinks.com/phonakins

 

 

Speak because your voice shakes

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even gonna “fix” my anxiety. I’m EXTRELEY anxious, and get anxious every day, but if I’m at the point of pushing through it and not letting it stop me doing the things I want to and plan to do, then is it really a problem that I jitter my way through life?

Caught the train into group this morning. Unfortunately it was late – apparently a guard fell from a train in Sydney and had the whole network in chaos. So, it came 40 minutes late, I caught the last five minutes of group where they were talking about what little sayings they use to get them through.

“Those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind” is definitely one I like and certainly my anxiety and anxious presentation is one of those things. So, I missed group, but got my meds and still had a good chat with one of the other group members.

So, speaking because my voice shakes is something I’m going to have to do this year, as I’m deliberately putting myself out there, out of my comfort zone personally, to push for the greater good (welfare above the poverty line for one). Like when I went on Q+A, I was terrified but thought it worthwhile. Like the girl I was chatting to today, I don’t really appear to care what people think of me, I mean I do but I don’t, but yeah because of that I can get through being scattered and anxious to get done what I want to do. Well, hopefully.

I once had a therapy goal of doing what I commit to doing. Which both meant putting myself out there and agreeing to do things, leave the house, try stuff, but also to not over commit, know my limits and be able to judge ahead of time whether something is going to be worth it for me and that I won’t pull out at the last minute either because I’ve already over done it or I chicken out for some reason I hadn’t factored in when booking myself in.

It means knowing myself well, and letting myself be me too.