mental health – Page 10

It’s been a week

Sometimes it’s not my story to tell, but I can share some of my feelpinions. I know my push for my sister to stay a couple of nights at the hospital may have caused different troubles, but I do believe that the time out and the more pressing need to make changes to how we all work with and around her to support her and her family are good things. It brings things to the surface, out in the open, to be discussed and people can do better.

I’ve learned to really like the assumptions of DBT

1. People are doing the best they can.
All people at any given point in time are doing the best they can.
2. People want to improve.
The common characteristic of all people is that they want to improve their lives and be happy.
3. People need to do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change.
The fact that people are doing the best they can, and want to do even better, does not mean
that these things are enough to solve the problem.
4. People may not have caused all of our own problems, but they have to solve them
anyway.
People have to change their own behavioural responses and alter their environment for their life to change.
5. New behaviour has to be learned in all relevant contexts. New behavioural skills have to be practiced in the situations where the skills are needed, not just in the situation where the skills are first learned.
6. All behaviours (actions, thoughts, emotions) are caused. There is always a cause or set of causes for our actions, thoughts, and emotions, even if we do not know what the causes are.
7. Figuring out and changing the causes of behaviour work better than judging and blaming.
Judging and blaming are easier, but if we want to create change in the world, we have to
change the chains of events that cause unwanted behaviours and events.

To assume that people are doing the best they can, given their skills, their resources, their background, their experiences. That even if you are hurt or confused by their actions, they did the best they could. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try harder, to learn and grow, to be better at what they do. And I believe that for myself, I know I’ve done wrong by myself and by others in the past and will make mistakes in the future, but everything has a cause even the craziest of “Borderline” moments.

The framing of someone having done their best at any given time is useful when you apply it to, I don’t know, let’s say, your parents and how they parented you. The stuff they did well, the stuff they struggled with. Remembering they too were raised by parents who did things well and struggled with other things. But remembering that very few people are deliberately malicious, and even then we can apply the same framework to think about what skills, personality and resources they bring to the situation. True, they may lack empathy, and intend to hurt you, but there are reasons for that, even if it is that they are truly broken as a person and need to have changes to them or the things around them, or both, to have good outcomes for themselves and those who they might damage with their fucked-up-ness. Yes, there are true predators, and they should be away from those they seek to harm, but how that looks I don’t know. But that’s not most people. And most people are truly trying hard, even if they fall short of their own or our expectations and hopes of them.

I’ve wandered off with my thoughts. I’ve been trying to decide whether to attend my therapy appointment tomorrow. It’s a lot of travel, and I’m tired still from the week that’s been. But it may be good to have that hour to talk with someone external, someone without expectations of how I should have handled the week and the people around me in the week. I don’t know, I’ll decide in the morning. The train ride might be nice, even if I still have to pay full fare because they only resent my Opal card over the weekend.

Bruce made me laugh this morning. I asked him a question, and he replied “I’m just simping for my e-girl”.

less than three xx

Interpersonally Ineffective

I’ve made it to the halfway point of my Dialectical Behaviour Therapy program through the Centre for Psychotherapy in town. Six months, three modules (distress tolerance, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness) plus the ongoing mindfulness skills, across one weekly individual therapy session and one 2.5 skills group. Via Telehealth. With homework. I am so trepedacious about going to face to face from next week, but where have I gotten with it so far?

Well, I’ve only missed one individual session in all that time! There’s been weeks without appointments due to Christmas and Easter, or my psychologist’s leave, but I’ve only cancelled one, and I had covid and was brain-foggy as I think it was a great call. I’ve been to all of the group sessions scheduled too, a couple while I had covid I wasn’t 100% but I still sat in, gave it a go, and did my homework. Advantage of telehealth is the ability to attend even when under the weather, or infectious. That won’t really be an option for the groups at least from here on in. At least not immediately, they do have teleconferencing facilities which the lead therapist mentioned yesterday, but they’re not currently working, and would be an option if you’ve covid, I’m told, but at this stage it might be best to give it a miss?

I’m not sure what their rules are going to be around isolating if you’ve covid or a household contact, now that the regulations are rapidly disappearing? When I had covid I couldn’t go into the Mater for my Antabuse for 14 days but I also don’t know what the rules are there now, for outpatients vs inpatients and the like.

SO. The last module was called “Interpersonal Effectiveness” aka social skills :p A lot of the manual does read like social skills training, making sure you’re polite, not too demanding, use eye contact, and “easy manner” all the things that are “expected” of you, Because they’re expected, they’re effective when interacting with the people.

I have to admit a sense of skepticism about what parts of this I should spend too much energy on. Fortunately for me it seems all my years of masking an fawning have left me over-doing a lot of the “good” skills, if to my own detriment. And the therapists have been encouraging me to stand up for myself more, hold my ground, and “no sorries”, because they are SO automatic and just make me so meek and submissive.

I have to admit, I spent too much energy last session observing the therapists’ manners, their facial expressions, their ways of explaining things. Wondering if that’s what I should aspire to be like, but also feeling like some of it was unnecessary. You know what people use their encouraging smiles? and it gets too much?

First group in person on Thursday. I hope my replacement Opal card comes in time. I lost it on the way home from my last individual session. I’d not taken my wallet, because it’s big and everything is on my phone, except for my opal card, and I thought the card would be safe in my DBT folder, but it slipped out between tapping on at Newcastle interchange and trying to tap off at Fassifern. it’s a concession card, so it has to be ordered, there’s no buying individual, single trip tickets on concession any more. Yup, that makes it difficult for a lot of people.

But I’ve been social lately. Went to the local candidate’s event and chatted with new and prospective members, educated people around Greens’ policies and how preferential voting works. Yeah, I collapsed in a heap the next day, but I use my social spoons and social skills as needed. I even have a phone call booked to talk about going new places and meet even more new people next month, and I’m going to Sydney on Saturday for a customer panel I’m doing with Ausgrid. I can be around people, and turn on the charm as necessary, I just prefer not to unless I think it’s worth it.

Autism Acceptance, Awareness and Awesomness Day

I will preface this post to say I don’t have a formal Autism diagnosis, and I’m trying to be brave enough to raise it with my DBT therapist (maybe this is the week) but I do believe in this world of mis-diagnosis and gatekeeping of diagnoses by “specialists” with big books, self-diagnosis is valid. I’m still pondering if I’m #actuallyautistic, either instead of or alongside my Borderline Personality Disorder Diagnosis, and learning about the experiences of other women and girls growing up without or with an autism diagnosis hits me in so many feels – ie I could be that little girl being misunderstood, trying to fit in, trying perfection to please others. Anxious and confused but somehow masking and muddling through, despite the emotional pain.

Having a Speech Pathology qualification and experience has NOT helped me in my understanding of my possibly autistic self. Too much medical model, experience being a diagnosis gatekeeper or at least working amongst them, working within the DSM, and the deficit models that diagnose because of trauma induced behaviours. It also moulded me into not believing Autistic adults were as capable as many of them clearly are, again working with people because things are going wrong in their lives, often to the inconvenience of caregivers or authorities, and not because, actually let’s work towards their own goals.

The Yellow Ladybugs conference last year focussed on the mental health of autistic girls, with plenty of sage advice from autistic women who were once confused little girls like me, trying to understand and fit in with the world around there. That conference showed me that autistic women could be psychologists and teachers and speech pathologists, but it took a lot of self-awareness and self-advocacy in a professional sphere that very much has an us and them feel at times.

I worked at a specialist autism school at one stage in my life. I think if I had the understanding of myself that I do now, I would have been able to cope better (bloody hell schools are over stimulating nightmares at times, let alone the social demands!) and would have been a better speechie, better at my job is all aspects. Unfortunately at that time in my life I was not doing very well at all mentally, it’s around the time I got my BPD diagnosis and had my first hospitalisations around self-harm. So yeah, If I could have my time again? I don’t actually know how I’d handle it…

But I’m working through my journey. DBT is going well, I AM feeling more skillfull, I can handle more of the things the world throws at me, even though I’m really only just emerging into a living with covid world where I have to interact with people in person and somehow backup and do it all again. My spoon levels fluctuate wildly, and I have to attend to my downtime, so I can be present when I’m wanting to. We’re doing the interpersonal effective model, and god doesn’t it feel like a social skills training for autism, eye contact recommendations and all. I’m a bit skeptical of parts, but I give everything a go, and apply what works for me. I hope the others in my group can too.

So this Autism Acceptance month, I’m learning more about myself through all of your experiences, so please, share your stories, I’m thankful. I wish they were so painful at times, I’m here with big hugs and virtual stuffies and weighted blankets for time out when you need x

Back to face to face therapy – also don’t scare me like that Centrelink!

I did it! Made it into town, did my first face to face psych session in 6 months, first time I’d seen this therapist in person since the assessment 18 months ago, and yeah, did it.

Verrrrrrry zonked this afternoon, but let’s see what I remember of the day and I get going.

Didn’t sleep great, that’s a little expected, got up after waking a few times a bit after 700 and made coffees. Sipped on that, did the breakfast and meds thing. Now I’m wondering whether it was today I made Bruce toast with his second coffee? I think so, the bread was soft. Unless that was last night? Blur I tells ya, there wouldn’t have been coffee though last night, so I think it was this morning.

Drove to the station, walked down the stairs as the earlier train pulled in, so hopped on that.

Two stations in it clicked that I was meant to have a mask on. Whoops.

Made it to Newcastle interchange. Most of the toilets were closed off, but I didn’t actually need to go and the tram was there so I caught it to Crown street to walk through the mall and see how it was going.

Took some pictures of the changes, like to the old David jones building. Bought some cards.

Sat outside the post office, wrote in a card for my old OT whos report I think got me over the line for DSP. Then walked up the hill to the hospital.

Reloaded my vaccination certificate and the service NSW app. My third vax still isn’t on Medicare, I guess I should ask the chemist about that…

Went in, mask on. Receptionist – I said hi and said who I was, she wounded familiar from the phone. Some of the mental health receptionists have the best manner. Very mum-like but businessy enough. Some suck. This one rules. She makes me feel like my calls aren’t annoying . Always good for those of us with rejection issues.

Oh speaking of rejection issues, starting to feel a little like I have to come up with more problems so that my therapist doesn’t think I’m doing too well and says I don’t need to continue with the service. I mean it’s nice not to be crazy erratic, but I do have things to work on and I’m just getting into this doing things again.

So into the session. OMG so sweaty. Glasses fogging up. Had the window and outside door (to the balcony, old hospital all that) open for covid airflow reasons. but I’m this hot mess of SWEAT.

At one point he asked how I was inside, and honestly I wasn’t a mess inside, it was all outside for once. Still masking to high heaven. Wonder if that’s easier with actual masks or not. Time will tell. I don’t really try too hard with my short appointments at the Mater to get my antabuse, they see me as I come that day for that few minutes. And keeping coherent for 5 minutes is easy. But a 50 minute psyc session? Yeah I can do it on the computer. Easy. But I don’t want to. I want to drop the mask and therapy properly. I guess raising masking vs opposite action will be something I bring to the agenda next week. I need to bring more stuff so why not that? Also works into my working up to raising whether I’m autistic. As will telling him about the yellow ladybugs autism and adhd conference in June.

I know I should do it, at least actually get a professional’s input. Especially while have this access. But I’m scared he’ll think I’m so off target or I’m making stuff up or something. I don’t know. I still have to build that trust I guess.

He brought up the reminder that we were going to talk more about work options, I asked if I told him about my DSP approval, he said I hadn’t but he was glad I got it even though his report wasn’t helpful because he’s so set on DBT being amazing and me being a good candidate for change.

Which brings me to Centrelink and them calling me to upset me on the train on the way home.

As I wrote on FB to my sister

I have to provide bruce’s profit and loss statements, but they called me to tell me on the phone on the train on the way home today and it was a shock and I cried and didn’t get all the info and she said to call them back later if I wanted to check, but yeah. I got an answer on twitter though and theree’s a letting in the mail I can wait for

So yeah, have to do his income side of things. When the lady said why she was calling she said she was assessing my DSP claim,, and I was very shocked and very much thinking it was god to go. It took a few times to explain to me it was to approve me eligibility on the income side – ie whether Bruce should be my keeper because partner income and asset test crap. The phone dropped out in the Cardiff tunnel too which didn’t help. And THEN she said to just call back and she’d made a note on the file of what forms to complete and they could tell me again, and so i did after lunch and I wasn’t able to verify my identity with my voice and they weren’t understanding my responses and maybe I wasn’t that coherent by then? but I asked for operator then was told they were busy and to do it online and they hung up.

Thankfully I got an answer to my cries on Twitter. God I love the social media teams on there.

So I’m more than done.

I played Animal crossing and wore my Hello Kitty hat and shoes that came with teh Amiibo cards Yieki gave me. And I made pasta for dinner.

And I’m sooooooo tired.

Aaaaaand I’m done

You know when you know you’re over-doing it and you know the end is close but there’s “just one more thing” to attend to and you need to do it NOW otherwise once you sit down, it won’t happen?

Yeah, that.

I flagged it with my psychologist on Monday that I knew I was getting busier and I needed to keep up my resting and other good habits in order to maintain the good track I’ve been on. I mean, it’s great, I went out and socialised for the first time in FOREVER at the Newcastle Greens federal campaign launch. A good few hours socialising, meeting new people, networking. Oh and all sober. Got a diet coke when I go there and ran off nervous energy the rest of the night. I was brain dead by the time I got home, unable to answer questions without a delay. Lol. Those spoons were long gone.

In other good news, I’m so close to having my Disability Support Pension approved after asking for the review when it was rejected last year. an Yvette from Centrelink called while I had covid to let me know that looking over it she wasn’t sure why I couldn’t have been marked as fully diagnosed and stabilised on what she was reading and sent it to be more thoroughly reviewed. I’m told they got in touch with my case worker at the substance use service and also the Occupational Therapist I started DBT with while I was on the waitlist for the public program and have come to the conclusion that I do meet the criteria for treated and diagnosed and then also that I meet the 20 points necessary on the impairment tables which freaks me out a little when I read it but year, I need to admit that I need a lot of support and structure to do more than the bare minimum, whatever you think that is.

So the next step is a telehealth appointment with an external psychologist to confirm I meet the criteria, which will be next Friday at midday. So I’m nervous about that, and worried about presenting well but not TOO well, if you know what I mean! Need to not mask, be honest and open.

How’s everyone going in the weather? It’s just one added thing to my mental load, even though it’s not REALLY affecting me, it stops me from doing the washing, or taking the dog for a walk if I could even motivate myself to do that. I watch the creek, assuming it won’t get much higher. I make sure I have food and medicine and have my phone charged in case. Water bottle filled. Little things that will make a difference if that storm cell does hit. Bruce is working today, for the first time this week, the weather being awful doesn’t make boat detailing an easy doable job. Oh and Maxi needed the vet yesterday another thing on my mental load – I’d finished a telehealth group, there were three new patients, so there was nine of us in total, it was full on, hard mental work even without trying to do therapy. Then i had to adult and take the dog to the vet. That’s why I splurged on chocolate at the service station on the way home and self soothed with m&ms :p

One thing I’ve also come to realise, and to accept and embrace, is that I rely on the meal prep boxes we get each week in order to be able to have the mental capacity to make dinner each night. Having the meals planned and the instructions there means my weary brain can pick up the recipe each night and follow the steps and come up with something nice, something different, something I’m proud to present as dinner for me and my partner. the nights I’ve been too zonked after taking on extra stuff without allowing for the energy, or when I’ve been sick since the Covid hangover is still niggling with a night cough and occasional headache and I can’t bring myself to cook, there’s only so many times I feel okay about Bruce getting us pizza, or us getting whatever is on special on the Maccas app. Though we DID have a lovely “date night” walking up to the local Maccas for cheap meals :p

So, it’s the weekend. My plans for this afternoon are dishes, dinner and relax. Might fire up the Sims or go fruit picking in Animal Crossing. But nothing too braining. My brain is done.