Superhuman

Laying in the back of your carI’ve been thinking ’bout the ways that I took it too farIn pursuit of perfection, I lost my directionAnd now I gotta reckon with the shame of tomorrowSee I always wanted more from the world, more from myselfPiling on the good times, high from the top shelf, yeah yeah
I heard that everybody’s got a limit, manI think I hit, cuz I’mCuz I’m onlyGuess I’m only
HumanDon’t know what we’re doin’Fight because we’re stupidLife we just abuse itCrying in confusionI know I just ruinEverything I worked for now I’m sitting all aloneGuess that makes me superhumanGuess that makes me superhumanGuess that makes me superGuess that makes me super
Sitting at the top of LALooking out at all the billboards and highwaysGuess I answered the question, I’m not the exceptionAnd now I gotta reckon with nobody to blameSee I thought that I could fly to the sun, never get burnedPride is a, pride is a motherfucker
I know that everybody’s got a limitAnd one day, you’re gonna hit it, cuz you’reCuz you’re onlyYea we’re only
HumanDon’t know what we’re doin’Fight because we’re stupidLife we just abuse itCrying in confusionI know I just ruinEverything I worked for now I’m sitting all aloneGuess that makes me superhuman
a storiis screenshot of a bottle of pills for Katherine Falrety
Always have to come down from an event from a gig. At least I didn’t get strep throat like K.Flay, at least my (out of date) RATs I’ve been doing since the show in Sydney have been negative. At least all my aches and pains and stuff don’t deem to be the Covid I’d resigned myself getting after sweating it out in from of the stage. I seem to have dodged that bullet, still a chance I’ve got it of course. Or something else, but I’m back to being concerned about the bloods and ECG I had last Tuesday and the results aren’t on my health record, but at least the Medicare bulk billing’s been done for them as of yesterday.
I must be highly suggestible, or I don’t notice things that might be wrong until they’re suggested to me? I’m been listening to my heart more, paranoid it’s out of sorts because it was suggested it might be. And maybe the irregular number of beats I was hearing when I was deaf from ear wax for three weeks is something to be concerned about. But then maybe it’s nothing, maybe any of my dizziness or shaking can come down to blood sugar and general blood pressure issues and I’ll just go in for my next lot of scripts and the new GP will say it’s all fine and dandy. I’m still hoping to bring down my antidepressant levels if I can, but I still feel like routine will help me more than that. But it’s hard to get routine when things keep breaking – one car’s going in for transmission work tomorrow, Bruce needs one for work, there’s been little things breaking on the Corolla too, the door handle, the speedo, the windscreen repairs not actually repairing but making the crack worse. Just feels like we’re chasing tails. And spending a lot of time and money buying part on eBay.
Not that keeping the AU would have been much better. I hope it’s working okay for the guy that bought it, and he enjoys it before the rust becomes too fatal. We keep hearing people doing skids nearby, but it’s never been him.
Nine days til the promised NBN install. Another reason not to get covid is I really don’t want to have to cancel that time, because it’d prolly be ANOTHER six weeks after that to get a tech booked in :/ Making my little plans. I really wanna do some streaming, both because I miss my little online games (GTA, Red Dead) and I do feel like that’s something I could get into properly if I even got sorted with a few things. So add me on Twitch so you can find out when I do go live and try o help me figure all that out again. I’ve been playing with my overlays and alerts ready to go too.
So I’m doing a lot of not much, not enough of what I want to be doing, but not sure what all that it. But I’ve probably going enough lines up for once I DO get proper internet, and if I start putting up for more it’s gonna be too much.
So day by day. It’s raining again.

Three Years Sober

Three years ago I have a week or so gap in my photo backups from when I was on ward after a 6 or so week relapse and trying to take myself out with meds. So yeah, haven’t had a drink since about this time 3 years ago. Been back on antabuse all that time, and not drinking and yeah, go me and all that.

It’s been a weird week, went to Sydney for Kflay on wednesday. Been waiting and anticipating for so long it was perfect and sweaty and I was up front, smooshed behind the people at the front. I wonder if I’ll regret smooshing and not wearing a mask but it was a great gig and like every gig I go to I crash hard afterward from the physical and mental exertion, the late night , the travel and the adrenalin. Let’s see if I brought home covid and I get to suffer through that. I’ll do my out of date tests every couple of days and see (I mean if I get it I’ll likely know without that) I wish you could still get drive through covid tests free. Or at least RATs in date.

Caught up with a friend, an ex, which was awkward and yeah, I don’t know, it’s hard to catch up with people.

Did the Antipoverty centre meeting, officially co-secretary and am pumped for the year ahead.

Waiting on blood test results from the tests my new GP ordered. I don’t really have reason to worry but I always worry. And want to get off to a good start with the new doc lol. There’s thing I wanna be able to bring up with her. Again nothing urgent but things I should.

Oh and I weighed less than I estimated at the pathologists. Cool. Now just to move more, I just want a routinnnnnnnnnnne

Anyway, send me presents and call me pretty:

Buymeacoffee.com/phonakins

Youpay.me/phonakins

http://throne.me/phonakins

paypal.me/phonakins

amazon.com.au/hz/wishlist/ls

store.steampowered.com/wishlist/profi

http://allmylinks.com/phonakins

 

 

Stares at a wall

Monday?

Taylor’s boyfriend looks scary.

Watchin Rafah, watching people ignore Gaza, wondering what that siren is in our street, apparently they’re looking for a man with face tattoos in Toronto.

Saw a new GP in the same practice. She seems good, sending me for tests, talking about my medication levels with me. Gotta get some bloods check my kidney and liver, an ECG for my heart to see if the mads are doing me more bad than good. See if my shakes have anything to do with that and a trippy heart.

Wasn’t bulk billed. $76 upfront, a woman apologising profusely for not being able to pay the other day, signs saying fees for late payment, and man yelling at the practice manager because they weren’t going to see him because he was owing money and shouldn’t have been rebooked in until it was settled. A growing line.

I did the grocery shopped and waited for my ride with the other pensioners outside woolies. More than a dollar a can for on special Diet Coke doesn’t sit right for me. But I’ll pay it. It’s my only real vice. But cadbury was $3 a block too so that was good.

Forgot bacon and mayo.

Oh well.

Speak because your voice shakes

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even gonna “fix” my anxiety. I’m EXTRELEY anxious, and get anxious every day, but if I’m at the point of pushing through it and not letting it stop me doing the things I want to and plan to do, then is it really a problem that I jitter my way through life?

Caught the train into group this morning. Unfortunately it was late – apparently a guard fell from a train in Sydney and had the whole network in chaos. So, it came 40 minutes late, I caught the last five minutes of group where they were talking about what little sayings they use to get them through.

“Those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind” is definitely one I like and certainly my anxiety and anxious presentation is one of those things. So, I missed group, but got my meds and still had a good chat with one of the other group members.

So, speaking because my voice shakes is something I’m going to have to do this year, as I’m deliberately putting myself out there, out of my comfort zone personally, to push for the greater good (welfare above the poverty line for one). Like when I went on Q+A, I was terrified but thought it worthwhile. Like the girl I was chatting to today, I don’t really appear to care what people think of me, I mean I do but I don’t, but yeah because of that I can get through being scattered and anxious to get done what I want to do. Well, hopefully.

I once had a therapy goal of doing what I commit to doing. Which both meant putting myself out there and agreeing to do things, leave the house, try stuff, but also to not over commit, know my limits and be able to judge ahead of time whether something is going to be worth it for me and that I won’t pull out at the last minute either because I’ve already over done it or I chicken out for some reason I hadn’t factored in when booking myself in.

It means knowing myself well, and letting myself be me too.

Dear rich people – hurry up and buy EVs so when they make my Corolla illegal I can afford your hand-me-downs

Let’s talk overdue but good policies. Australia desperately need better fuel efficiency standards for vehicles. SO, it’s great that Labor are introducing some. I don’t buy it as a cost of living measure though. It is however one of the trickle down things that I need the rich (people able to justify buying a new car) to get on. They need to be buying those efficient cars now, so that in 5 years I may be able to upgrade to their old car, circumstances willing. I mean it’s unlikely, I’m likely to be driving this Corolla til it is horribly killed or legislated off the road, in which case I need y’all to get onto EVs so that when Australia does ban petrol cars  in 10-20 years there will be some available to us.

 

I was fortunate to be able to get this more fuel efficient (ie smaller) care last year before the move as we had some inheritance money to play with which meant buying a car before selling the old one. The little beast is not gonna break any records, but it gets us around. What does a new car go for these days? Whatever it is, I have to drive it a lot for the supposed $1k savings at the petrol pump, and like many in my twitter comments say, that’s not gonna happen, and the only way they’ve been saving at the pump is keeping their cars off the road because they can’t afford to fill let alone maintain and keep registered, their ageing source of independence.

Unfortunately, the joy of selling the AU to a chap down the road who bought it because his mate had just bought one too (are those your skid marks down Cooranbong way mate?) is short lived since that means we not have to fix up the rust and the transmission and other things in the Concorde. So while it’s off the road til at least the transmission is done later this month, Bruce has the Corolla for work and I’m saving money but not getting as much done as I’d like by being home more and taking the train when I do head out. Friday was a long morning, catching the train and bus into group and not being able to do the usual foodbank and Ozharvest run for myself and my sister. This girl likes her routine and being able to help out.

 

So, again, I may seem like I poo-poo on everything that gets suggested as a reform, but I’m just pointing out how it affects my little demographic, whatever that is. And that while it’s great to make progress, you can’t sell it to us who can’t afford to partake in it with the promise that the new car you get to buy will save you $1000 a year.

Speaking of progress, there was a rally on the weekend in Newcastle in support of the offshore wind projects, and I was glad to see my local independent there along with Greens and Labor representatives. I live in sight of the largest coal power station in the country, and everyone has some connection to coal jobs. But we need to move forward. Both for our long term ability to slow the global heating and irregular weather systems but also, like the promise of the fuel efficient and EV cars being cleaner for the street they run on, for the health of our lungs.

Today's Air Quality-Dora Creek, New South Wales 53 Moderate Air quality is acceptable; however, for some pollutants there may be a moderate health concern for a very small number of people who are unusually sensitive to air pollution. Primary Pollutant: PM2.5 (Particulate matter less than 2.5 microns) All Pollutants 53 PM2.5 (Particulate matter less than 2.5 microns) Moderate 14.32 µg/m3 1 CO (Carbon Monoxide) Good 160 µg/m3 2 NO2 (Nitrogen Dioxide) Good 4.34 µg/m3 12 O3 (Ozone) Good 32.02 µg/m3 17 PM10 (Particulate matter less than 10 microns) Good 20.47 µg/m3 1 SO2 (Sulphur Dioxide) Good

The Singleton Argus on Twitter regularly reports on how many days they have PM10 above healthy levels to to the coal, and also the 2.5 with bushfires. We’ve woken up today here with sore throats from bushfire smoke from Karuah even though the house was closed up all night. Powering EVs with renewables would be an amazing way to live, and I love that we’re taking steps towards that, but the trickle down effect won’t be seen for some time. Til then I acknowledge my priveledge in even being able to keep a car on the road.