Tempting Madness

I only really needed to do one adulting thing today – take the car for a rego check – but it seems I let the weight and distraction of the world build up on me, over the day, and let it all hit me shortly before I needed to go.

Spoiler alert- I did get the rego check done, it was passed with no issue! Yay!

I don’t know how it started. last night I went to bed with an overdrawn bank account because the bills came out and I’m a silly little girl who, when she got her JobSeeker payment 5 days early with the public holidays over Christmas KNEW she was likely to mis-assess her spending in this time and would come up short a little early this extended fortnight. And I tried, I really did, but one day off on the bills. Silly little girl. So that started it I guess.

Bad dreams overnight? I think so, keep having highschool and university people and places and events. Keep having difficulties at them. No, I DON’T want to relive any of that tyvm.

Got up, had coffee, and breakfast and meds and made small plans for the day – washing and washing up and getting the rego done. Also take the dog to do the recycling so he gets a run and I get the diet coke cans out of my car before the rego check. And Have $10 extra to put back into my bank account. (I hate hate overdraw fees! I’m already broke when you charging me $15 more RIGHT NOW??)

So, took the dog out, he had his run and his poop. It rained a little. Did the recycling. Didn’t really have to interact with anyone. Nice.

Came home, did dishes and stuff. I don’t know what happened here. Oh yeah, Bruce got home to have lunch and was talking to me about an injured bird and going out on a boat with his boss and the waves and he brought in a parcel for me (omg A chewy necklace from my wishlist

which I honestly hope someone else purchased for me because it’s not on record of my amazon purchases and I can’t remember ordering it but I think I have a memory of thinking about ordering uit, and this is why I don’t have a credit card anymore because I honestly impulse buy and don’t remember and it’s totally a BPD related thing) and I was focussed on that and figuring it out and not listening and got all a flustered when I realised I hadn’t been taking it in but making all the right noises and I’d lost 10 minutes.

Then Bruce checked the lights in the car and had to change 2 bulbs and went to get them from Repco 5 minutes before I was meant to be up at UltraTune for the inspection, but that was okay too and it worked out.

But then WHY did I go into Coles while I was waiting? THAT was a silly choice, I didn’t even want to buy anything, and yeah

So It’s taken the rest of the afternoon to wind down, with chewing things and frozen poppers and sensory tools and Animal Crossing and I made dinner and I think I’m almost human again but I’ve lost time. And sanity and I know this is the first real day I’ve had like this, and some of it was Covid stressors, like the two deaths in Lake Macquarie overnight. Two more since the two from the aged care. And that got to me. And sent me slightly spiralling, and then it got worse from there.

I know it’s unlikely that if and when I get covid it

ll be bad for me personally, but what if it’s not? So glad the family had Omicron over Xmas, not glad they were sick but hooping that means they won’t get worse ones down the track. My sister is exhausted from it still. But she never gets to rest. The Pope says I’m selfish for not having kids. I don’t think I could do what my sister does. I’d have gone off the deep end further and sooner and repeatedly.

I’m scared to tempt fate though. Relieved I never had kids but sad about it nonetheless.

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