I just want to write

I want to just write and feel like my words are meaningful. I feel stuck in a little hole, looking out, but I’m not even that profound. I listen to the lyrics of K.Flay, I know I won’t have the articulatory skills to rap like her, but her words call to me, they make sense, I want to make words and sentences and rhymes and phrases like her. Call on my life and experience and knowledge and contribute something. But I see it as selfish and futile, or maybe not maybe I’m just talking shit.

This week in therapy we’re meant to be looking at looking after ourselves, setting up for a good time through diet and exercise and rest, and taking your meds and not mind altering substances. I can see where they’re coming from, but I hate focusing on those things, I get stubborn, I get wilful as they say. Eat right, and then I decide that icecream is my next meal. I’m still scared of focussing on weight loss, on exercise on diet, scared I’ll be successful and get back to that slim frame but be too obsessive about it, be to hyper focussed. I should probably raise that with my psych. Probably.

https://rainbowsandfairies.com.au/product/day-at-the-fair-jumpsuit/

I’m doing another shoot with Rainbows and fairies this week, I’ll try to be more relaxed and more confident lol. I need to get my eyebrows and other face waxing done, and I need to buy a beige bra, like a proper bra with structure and not the crop tops I usually wear and am wearing now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cw5R06zel-E

Watching snippets of Kflay and Gflip’s gigs in the states, wishing I was there. Wishing I was out dancing and sweating and singing and being alive. I tried to not get covid, I really did. It didn’t work. I want to go out and play, but I’m stuck here. Stuck home trying to get myself to do the basics, put out the washing, clean the dishes, shave my legs. Looking forward to the cooler weather of autumn, to starting the interpersonal effectiveness DBT module, hoping I can do some of that therapy in person soon. Before another few months pass of being at home. I want to catch the train into therapy, I want to buy coffee and look at the beach. I want to arrange to see people for one off coffees, I doubt a regular thing, but just a one off, dumplings, coffee, something.

Feb 22

What’s on this week?

individual therapy Monday morning, should raise the PLESAE stuff, the eating, the taking care of health, the hard conversation I had with Bruce where I remember how hard being around a drunk me is. How that puts everything through another lens.

Do the beauty stuff, the waxing, the bra buying.

Tuesday night I’m starting an online things with Ausgrid. a panel that runs for months and they give me $1000 for at the end. Watch me shape the future or soemthing.

Wednesday is the Rainbows and Fairies shoot, Thursday group again, the last with one of the other women who I’m going to miss, the group is going to more than double to 8 patients the week after, which will be hard on teams. It would be better in person for sure.

Friday apparently Centrelink is calling again, even though they did last Friday, and my next appointment was supposed to be months away. Oh well.. Just answer, don’t get cut off. Go to my antabuse group online. Arrange to speak with my care coordinator next week, I need to start planning with her for the future.

it feels like a lot and I realise when I’m allowed the exemption from Centrelink and why they’re considering giving me DSP. That’s in a review stage. So maybe.

I’m tired.